My favourite thing EVER

8 Jan

You’re welcome ;)

Much love and health xo


7 Jan

I’m not sure when I last watched the movie ‘Enough’ with Jennifer Lopez (you know the one where she plays an abused woman?), but a line from it randomly popped into my head this morning as I was thinking about my ED. Living with an ED is exactly like living with an abusive partner. They control you, hurt you, and leave you feeling weak and helpless. I was already familiar with this analogy thanks to various psychologists, psychotherapists, authors (such as the brilliant Jenni Schaefer), and bloggers. But it seemed to hit me differently this morning.

Things haven’t been going too well. ED has been winning just as much as I have. I don’t want to live in a world where ED and I are tied. Not 50% me, 50% ED– I should be running the show. This morning brought along nausea (classic restriction symptom for me) and loose pants. I knew I had lost a bit of weight, but I felt it more this morning in a certain pair of pants. And ED got so giddy and became such a jerk. And as I was thinking, thinking, thinking (like I do best), this line popped into my head:

“And as sure as he’s a coward, he will try to kick you.”

Jennifer Lopez’s boxing coach (fighting coach?) says it to her during one of their training sessions. And it hit me. I do not want ED to kick me when I’m down anymore. I was nauseous this morning (because of ED), feeling really defeated, and so I found my strength and had two ginger lozenges and a sip of orange juice for some sugar. Well, ED loses his shit. “HOW DARE YOU!!!!” And he proceeds to kick me when I’m down. I allow his tantrum to get me more anxious now because I feel trapped. I don’t want to have an ED, I don’t want to feel sick all the time, but rectifying the situation defies ED, and sooo… dun dun duuuun.

The trick is to NEVER let him in the door. He can’t be there a bit. Did Jennifer Lopez let her ex-husband in ‘just for a minute’? NO. That sounds like the dumbest thing someone could do. SO WHY DO I DO IT? Even when he is being a charmer, pretending to care for me…he is just manipulating me, and I need to see him for what he is. CONSTANT VIGILANCE is the only way I can prevent him from slipping in through the back door or windows.

Below is the full excerpt from the movie… Apply it to ED, and it is really powerful.

Trainer: You’re distracted for an instant, and he hits you.

J.L.: That’s not possible.

Trainer: To win, we must prepare, even for the impossible. We bend the universe to our will, but it will only go so far.

J.L.: So you’re saying…

Trainer: Yes. You’re down. Lying there. Seemingly beaten. But hear me. Hold on to my voice. He’s standing over you. He thinks he’s won. And as sure as he’s a coward, he will try to kick you.

J.L.: Yes.

Trainer: But because you know what he’ll do… …you’re smiling inside.

Hold onto YOUR voice. Your power voice. After all these years, you know ED’s tactics. You know what his next move will be. If you have been suffering for as long as I have, new things can arise, yes, but for the most part, ED knows what works and capitalizes on those things.  LEARN what his tools are. Predict them. Tell him what he is going to do before he even does it. Before each meal, relay his plan to him. He’ll become annoyed and sulk. You will have won. And you’ll be smiling inside just the same.

Much love and health xo

Outlasting the fog

21 Dec

An excerpt from “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo.

“…It reminds me of a man who built a home on a cliff by the sea, only to have a month-long fog roll in. He cursed the place and moved away, but a week after he’d gone, the fog cleared. Being human, we all have fogs roll in around our heart, and often, our lives depend on the quiet courage to wait for them to clear.”


Wait for the fog to clear. <3

Much love and health xo


19 Dec

Remember: Every hour you restrict, ED gets stronger and stronger. You, however, do NOT get weaker. Be brave. Food strengthens you and weakens ED.

The first bite is always the hardest. Push through the fear, as you think of all the good ED has brought to your life…OH WAIT. Trick question. There is NOTHING good. Only awful. Remember that.

Fight for your life. Food is not the enemy– your ED is. And like Jenni Schafer said, “Make no mistake; your eating disorder will kill you if given the chance.” Don’t give it the chance. Find your courage.

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

Meet Ed

18 Nov

When one is fully entrenched in their ED, obeying its rules, this is what I think my ED looks like.


 Conniving and evil.

I do NOT want that sinister creeper in my head.

However, when one begins recovery, the character changes…

I’d like to introduce you to my roommate. He is not welcome, yet hangs around, yelling at me incessantly.

Meet Ed.


Unless I’m following his rules, this is his perpetual state. If I’m challenging him (by simply eating/resting/trying a new or old food), Ed turns into a crazy Hulk man. Pretty scary, right? The thing is, when he is in this raging state, if you stand up to him, he doesn’t actually hurt you. He becomes more like a toddler lying on the floor, kicking and screaming. A hysterical child usually* doesn’t come up and attack you, but just continues to whine and moan, and make a big fuss in the corner. And kids eventually stop. They give up. They get tired. Same thing with Ed. Not to say that every meal he isn’t there, but if I push through and keep eating, he always ends up sitting in a chair sulking and pouting because he didn’t get his way.

*Hopefully your toddler does not attack you… -_-

pouting liddy

Gosh, I wish sulking Ed was this cute in my head :O

I learned to think of Ed in this way from reading Jenni Schaefer’s books- Both Life without Ed, and Goodbye Ed, Hello Me. I recommend these books to anyone who is struggling from an eating disorder. Life without Ed is co-authored by Jenni’s psychotherapist, Thom Rutledge, and he writes many chapters in the book, contributing really great therapeutic exercises and challenges.  Both Thom and Jenni believe that FULL, lasting recovery is possible– a breath of from fresh from a community which often tells us that ED’s are a ‘chronic’ condition.

How do you view your ED? Why not try and separate from it, even just for a little bit? Give yourself a bit of wiggle room. Some space to breathe. It can’t hurt to try, right? And read those books. DO IT. NOW.  And, if you’ve already read them, and are struggling, read them again. :)

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

Hard days

3 Oct

Why is it that we feel so strong on good days, yet find ourselves floundering on the tough days? Shouldn’t we be even stronger on the hard days?


If you didn’t already realize, today was a hard day. Body image was the worst of the worst. A lot of “I can’t stand it-itis” (as Albert Ellis would say), was going on. These days really test my commitment to recovery. Walking into my lab to write this post, I thought to myself, “Alright, so with all of the ‘I can stand it-itis’ what am I going to do about it? Relapse? Am I honestly going to throw away everything and start restricting and exercising again just because ED is yelling at me to lose weight? NO. Alright then. We don’t really have a problem.”

I can bitch and moan all I want (or ED can bitch and moan all he wants), but the fact is, this is where I’m staying, and I’m only going to grow (figuratively, and possibly literally- deal with it!) from here. There is NO point in getting worked up, anxious, and frustrated, because I AM NOT GOING BACKWARDS. Nosiree. Never gonna happen. Why? Well, besides the absolute HELL of ED, I’ll end up back in the! After I relapse and lose weight, I’ll be back recovering, or trying to recover; unless I wish to die, of course. Floundering in recovery is much more pleasant than floundering in and out of full relapse with ED.  I know this. Much too well.


This body needs to become my new norm. This body FINALLY functions the way a woman’s body should. This body does not feel sick and weak all the time. This body can walk around effortlessly without feeling dizzy, or worrying if whether or not I’ll make it home from class without fainting in the street. This body also has some extra somethin’-somethin’ on it. And it needs to maintain that. And I need to make peace with that. If this is how my body is going to remain, I refuse to walk around miserable and anxious about it.  I need to change my perspective, and see my body CLEARLY for what it is. No more distorted thinking.


My weight and my worth have absolutely no relationship. They’re not related. Never have been, and never will be. The only thing that brings those two things together is my distorted thinking. I need to truly integrate this, and start acknowledging my irrational thoughts. They are thoughts. Not facts. And they are not rational. Period.


Much love and health,

Lauren xo

Your worth is capped

26 Sep

Your worth cannot be changed. Doing good things, being successful, does not make you ‘better’ or worthier. Doing bad things, or being unsuccessful, does not make you ‘bad’ or less worthy.

You are a human. You are alive. Your worth cannot be changed by anything you do, think, say, feel, or what you look like.

Until you truly integrate this, you’ll be running on the treadmill, grasping for reassurance, reinforcement, and acclaim.

You can’t become any worthier. You just are.

Much love and health,

Lauren xo


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