I’m terrified of things which I deem to be “too enjoyable.”
We don’t want to have too much of a good time, now.
This is especially true when it comes to food. I have a very, very, VERY difficult time making a complete meal and eating it all at once. For example, I often (typically) separate my meal into parts. I will not top my salad with my poached eggs because that would be too enjoyable, so I’ll eat the salad and then I’ll eat the eggs separate. This is not about having to eat each part separately, or some OCD thing that I know others have. It’s not that I have to finish all the potatoes on my plate before I move onto my peas. No. I will not even put them both on my plate together to begin with. I find myself doing this with SO many meals. It’s so.frickin.frustrating.
For example, a chicken caesar salad. It’s been on my challenge list for some time now. However, I have eaten caesar salad recently, and I eat chicken often. I could even eat them both within 10 minutes of each other. BUT, to top the salad with the chicken?? Woahhh. Way too hard. Too enjoyable. Too complete. I don’t understand it either. It literally makes zero sense.
I know a part of it has to do with fullness. I hate feeling full (as do most people with ED’s), and so I have a little bit, and then sit for a minute to figure out if I’m still truly hungry. If so, I’ll have more. I do this all the time, just to ensure I never feel more than like a 5-7 on the 10 point fullness scale.
ED’s are so weird. Even when you think you’re getting there. You’re weight restored, or nearly weight restored, you’re eating often…You still have so many weirdo food rules that linger. And not even rules per se…Some of them have to do more with self-love and compassion and simply deserving goodness and deserving pleasure. Actively pursuing a hedonic moment, especially one derived from food. That’s freakin terrifying. Feeling completely and totally satisfied and not always feeling like you have barelyyyy justtt enough to eat at each meal.
I notice this pursuit is even more daunting when I challenge actual MEALS. Snacks I find easier. Same with desserts. Go out for fro-yo? Sure. As long as my dinner, aka MEAL, is salmon and broccoli. BUT, have a plate of pasta for dinner, or something of the like? Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. I will put it off every time. Tell myself I’ll challenge that one later. If you take a look at my challenge list and the one’s I’ve crossed off, they’re predominantly snack/dessert ones. Pancakes for breakfast? Too scary. Grilled cheese for lunch. Umm, no. You see? What is that? It’s BS, that’s what.
So, where am I going with this? Well, I’m not really sure. It’s just something that has been bothering me for some time now. BUT, seeing as I am cognizant of it, I think it’s the perfect time to change it! I need to start doing some of my MEAL challenges, no matter how scary they are. I need to stop separating my meals, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. I need to start allowing myself to maybe feel a little full. Someone who hasn’t gotten their period naturally in nearly five years needs to start feeling full. Often. This is no freakin mystery.
Alright, so that’s enough rambling for the day.
But before I go… One last thing.
Guys… The MCAT prep course is AMAZING!!! I am SO pumped about it and feel so motivated. Ch-yeahhhhh
Ok. That is all. <3
Much love and health,