Too enjoyable

I’m terrified of things which I deem to be “too enjoyable.”

We don’t want to have too much of a good time, now.

This is especially true when it comes to food. I have a very, very, VERY difficult time making a complete meal and eating it all at once. For example, I often (typically) separate my meal into parts. I will not top my salad with my poached eggs because that would be too enjoyable, so I’ll eat the salad and then I’ll eat the eggs separate. This is not about having to eat each part separately, or some OCD thing that I know others have. It’s not that I have to finish all the potatoes on my plate before I move onto my peas. No. I will not even put them both on my plate together to begin with. I find myself doing this with SO many meals. It’s so.frickin.frustrating.

For example, a chicken caesar salad. It’s been on my challenge list for some time now. However, I have eaten caesar salad recently, and I eat chicken often. I could even eat them both within 10 minutes of each other. BUT, to top the salad with the chicken?? Woahhh. Way too hard. Too enjoyable. Too complete. I don’t understand it either. It literally makes zero sense.

I know a part of it has to do with fullness. I hate feeling full (as do most people with ED’s), and so I have a little bit, and then sit for a minute to figure out if I’m still truly hungry. If so, I’ll have more. I do this all the time, just to ensure I never feel more than like a 5-7 on the 10 point fullness scale.

ED’s are so weird. Even when you think you’re getting there. You’re weight restored, or nearly weight restored, you’re eating often…You still have so many weirdo food rules that linger. And not even rules per se…Some of them have to do more with self-love and compassion and simply deserving goodness and deserving pleasure. Actively pursuing a hedonic moment, especially one derived from food. That’s freakin terrifying. Feeling completely and totally satisfied and not always feeling like you have barelyyyy justtt enough to eat at each meal.

I notice this pursuit is even more daunting when I challenge actual MEALS. Snacks I find easier. Same with desserts. Go out for fro-yo? Sure. As long as my dinner, aka MEAL, is salmon and broccoli. BUT, have a plate of pasta for dinner, or something of the like? Nuh-uh. Not gonna happen. I will put it off every time. Tell myself I’ll challenge that one later. If you take a look at my challenge list and the one’s I’ve crossed off, they’re predominantly snack/dessert ones. Pancakes for breakfast? Too scary. Grilled cheese for lunch. Umm, no. You see? What is that? It’s BS, that’s what.

So, where am I going with this? Well, I’m not really sure. It’s just something that has been bothering me for some time now. BUT, seeing as I am cognizant of it, I think it’s the perfect time to change it! I need to start doing some of my MEAL challenges, no matter how scary they are. I need to stop separating my meals, no matter how uncomfortable it makes me. I need to start allowing myself to maybe feel a little full. Someone who hasn’t gotten their period naturally in nearly five years needs to start feeling full. Often. This is no freakin mystery.

Alright, so that’s enough rambling for the day.

But before I go… One last thing.

Guys… The MCAT prep course is AMAZING!!! I am SO pumped about it and feel so motivated. Ch-yeahhhhh

Ok. That is all. <3

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

Waste.of.time.

Guys, I’ve been feeling more anxious lately…Feelings reminiscent of a time in the past that I don’t want to venture back to. Eating has been eliciting some anxiety, which I HATE. Even other things that usually wouldn’t really bother me, or upset me very minimally, have felt like a bigger deal. Now, the question is why? As I sit here pondering, the answer just hit me like a freakin OBVIOUS ton.of.bricks.

I start the Princeton Review MCAT prep course tomorrow.

TOMORROW. And you know what? I am freakin excited! I feel ready. Mentally, emotionally, intellectually. BUT, that doesn’t mean that anxiety is absent. It’s definitely one of the most challenging of the ‘CATs’ and let’s face it- it’s kind of a big deal.

Your MCAT score will literally make or break you. It determines whether or not you even get an interview. You don’t even get a chance to prove yourself without an exceptional MCAT score across all of the sections.

So ya, classic Lauren. Whenever something stressful is coming up, my eating goes downhill. I start eating a little less, and then a little less again, the anxiety escalates…I’m very familiar with my patterns. I know this whole scenario well. Too well.

BUT, how about this time I change it up? Since I know how it goes, why don’t I try to stop the cycle and prevent it from happening. I don’t need to run around like a crazy person, experiencing the same useless things that I consistently put myself through. I mean, where’s the fun in that? It is a waste.of.time. Plain and simple. And I don’t have time to be wasting my time. I have some MCAT butt-kickin’ to do!

The last time I had a little lapse, things were not going well. AT ALL. Well, this time, things are ok, my behaviours are still ok (ishhhh) and I’m fighting and challenging myself daily, but the thoughts and anxiety are creeping back. A tell-tale sign something is off and more importantly, something needs to change.

Hmm, ok. So, I need a plan. A ‘How to stay sane and healthy during MCAT prep’ kinda plan.

1) Take study breaks. No five hour long straight rampages. Two hours max.

2) Eat well, but don’t stress about eating ‘perfectly.’ Something I should not be striving for anyways…

3) Exercise when I can. No pressure. No logging a certain number of miles, no working out daily, getting a balance of strength training and cardio. Nadda. Just work out when it feels right and I feel energized.

4) SLEEP. Make sure I’m asleep before 11:30pm every night and wake up at around 6-6:30am everyday.

5) Make time for FUN!!! Outings, movie watching, seeing friends, reading novels for pleasure, watching ‘my’ tv shows (The Bachelor haha).

6) Get lots of hugs and puppy cuddles. Nuff said.

7) Talk about how I’m feeling/when I’m stressed/if I’m not grasping a concept. Don’t be so proud and admit when I need help, both emotionally and intellectually.

8) Try to enjoy the process! I have an intense, embarrassing passion for science. I truly LOVE everything I am going to learn, and I don’t want my stress and anxiety to ruin the process. I love learning and I want to be able to enjoy it. I want to look back at this time and not think, “Oh God, that was such a horrendous time.” I know it will be difficult, but I am up for a (fun) challenge!

Ok…phew. I’m actually feeling better having this little plan in place. I hope I remember to refer back to it and actually follow it! haha

Do you find that when something stressful is going on in your life that your ED comes creeping back, yet you often don’t make the connection between the stressful circumstance and the resurgence of your ED? No? Just me? Ok.

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

How to be a badass: A stepwise guide

Step 1: Purchase this.

Step 2: Bake it up

Step 3: Make some homemade chocolate buttercream frosting…

Step 4: Ice the cake. Or get your Mom to ice the cake for you if you don’t want to ‘mess it up.’

Step 5: Eat the freakin cake. With family and friends, of course. Always makes it more enjoyable

Bake a chocolate cake for no real reason. CHECK!

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

You are your problem

DONE.

 

So simple.

You are your problem, but you’re also your solution.

YOU ARE YOUR SOLUTION.

Something to ponder…

Much love and health,

Lauren

Medicine for the soul

Hey guys,

I’m baaaaaacccccck

Here are some things to perk up your snowy Friday…

Have a great night guys!!! Stay warm in this winter wonderland <3

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

Writer’s Block

Alright guys, I have had writer’s block like woah. You do not want to see how many half-completed draft posts I have saved away. It’s getting ridiculous. I write a post, question it’s importance, wonder if its “good enough,” if it even has a ‘point,’ and then I save it in my drafts, never posting it. To be honest though, my posts haven’t been all that great (meaning the ones I’ve saved). This writer’s block is really starting to annoy me.

Anyways, this is just me letting you know- I still have a blog, I am still writing, but just haven’t been able to put the letters and words together nicely in order to write a decent post.

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

Piece of pie

This afternoon I baked oatmeal cookies made with M&M’s and had one fresh out of the oven. #foodbucketlist #recoverysuperstar

I then had Caesar salad with salmon for dinner…aka, pretty close to the chicken Caesar salad on my food bucket list. #victoryfosho

What have you challenged in the past few days?

Much love and health,

Lauren xo