Annoyed

13 Sep

So, I’m starting to get annoyed… Annoyed with my “Oh my goodness, look at me, I’m so healthy meals.” Eating exclusively fruits & vegetables/salads, egg whites & eggs, salmon, nuts & nut butter, greek yogurt and *sometimes* quinoa (which I consider indulgent, seeing as it is a carb/wannabe grain/pseudograin) is getting me really frustrated with myself. It is too rigid, too healthy. Gasp! But yes, you can be too healthy and too obsessed with health. It’s called orthorexia. Now, I’m by no means saying that I am orthorexic (I’m definitely not), but it just feels too reminiscent of my ED days. And  it’s kind of making me feel like I want to scream.

I feel like eating disorders are such conniving little things that lead you to believe that you are getting better, but they are just tricking you. Yes, I am eating now, and I am fuelling my body adequately, BUT, I am being just as calculated and rigid about my eating in terms of WHAT I’m eating and what I’m ‘allowed’ to eat. Even more importantly, the anxiety I feel if I contemplate NOT following my rules is not normal or healthy. I feel too restricted, constricted and it’s really making me feel like, well… sh*t.

Chelsie’s post resonated with me today SO much. I totally feel like I  am in a straight jacket too, just like she said. I guess physically I feel great- how could I not feel great eating SO well, but emotionally? Yaaaa…that’s a different story. And I don’t even want to do anything crazy like go out an eat a massive brownie sundae or something like that. Nope. Just being able to have toast for breakfast, crackers at lunch and some quinoa at dinner would be an awesome start. And maybe a bowl of some vanilla bean coconut milk ice cream? :)

It can be difficult for me to differentiate between what Lauren wants to eat and what ED wants me to eat. I am usually better at being able to separate the two, but I think being back at school has my equilibrium a little thrown off. Plus, I am eating more fruit which was a big fear food for me. I know ridiculous, but I was terrified of all the sugar and carbs. I literally thought that I would gain 20 pounds overnight and lose all muscle tone and the lean look I worked so hard to achieve if I were to eat fruit. So dumb. Anyways, I have been challenging myself, allowing myself to have 2 servings of fruit a day and I am LOVING it! Bananas and almond butter, smoothies with frozen berries and vanilla protein powder, Macintosh apples #autumnlove, pears… It’s been very delicious :) Facing this one fear makes ED all the more sophisticated however, as it can constantly remind me that we are challenging the ‘fruit-issue,’ and so I must be doing “so well,” when in reality, I have found other ways to gain my control back.  Enter the ‘Super healthy no grains eating plan.’ It makes me feel more in control, anxiety decreases (temporarily), and I feel back on track. However, I can feel the background level of anxiety building and I am certain that it is 100% due to food (it always is).

I have also been a little more lenient with meal and snack times which has been a pretty massive deal for someone like me. This has made me feel pretty darn strong. I’ve felt on fi-yah some days, like when I buy and eat lunch on campus, have a piece of salmon for an afternoon SNACK or eat dinner at 7:30pm and then another ‘snack’ of dark chocolate at nearly 10pm (aka, my bedtime #partyanimal). Like, who is this person!? There is such a dichotomy because I feel like on one hand I am KILLING it, challenging myself, and knocking ED out of the park, but on the other hand, I feel like I’m creating all these ‘new rules’ in order to ‘make-up’ for breaking down the old ones. However, what is AWESOME is that I am ON-TO this, which I LOVE. Gotchaaaa ED. Suckaaa ;)

So…what is my game plan now? I think that the best thing to do is simply follow my cravings and allow myself to eat what LAUREN wants. If I am craving eggs and salad, I will eat that, however, if I am craving a bowl of oatmeal with banana and PB, I’ll have that :) And, I won’t go backwards and attempt to structure my meals more timing-wise since I am altering the contents of my meals. I will continue on breaking my own rules and NOT creating new ones. If I always just exchange my rules for another one, I’m not really getting any better. I don’t want to play a game of stagnant deception- always appearing to change, yet really just remaining in the same place. It’s not a fun game. I never win. And I reallyyyyy like to win :)

Question: How has your ED tried to gain control in sneaky ways? How did you overcome this and show ED who’s boss?

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

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10 Responses to “Annoyed”

  1. Chelsie @ Balance, Not Scale September 13, 2012 at 10:54 pm #

    Jeez girl! You never ever fail to make my brain run a 2min mile!! You hit on SO many amazing points!! I think that the big problems (and main points) are that our bodies DO feel awesome and that we ARE eating — so we’re able to convince ourselves that we’re doing well. And while we are, there isn’t a balance.
    I met up with a friend at Second Cup yesterday after she was done work. She has a desk job and sits for most of the day save getting up to the fax machine (10 yards round trip?), and yet she saw the cake in the display and just decided to have a slice because she was hungry. She wasn’t going for a workout, she was planning on having a full dinner. She didn’t bat an eye or give it a second thought. And the whole time I was sitting there, I was thinking “Why can’t I do that?”, and more upsettingly “Will I ever be able to do that?”. That’s where the straight jacket comes in — right now, my mind is binding my arms to my sides, making me incapable of reaching out for that cake myself. I need to have a reason to have it, which will bring it within my reach so I can eat it without reaching out on my own. Does that make any sense? I hope it does.
    I think I had a bit of a victory today (totally unplanned chocolate and pudding!), but it’s a very, very small step. I think that I need to remind myself that Rome wasn’t built in a day, ED won’t be desecrated in a day either. It may take a year, or 3, or 5, or 10, or it may take me until the day before I day. But mark my words, I’ll make it there eventually. I know your journey and your fight won’t stop either. Use this frustration as fuel. Keep moving forward!!
    Ps. Fruit being a food fear is 100% legitimate. I’m totally there.

    • thehomeostaticmindset September 14, 2012 at 12:22 am #

      You’re completely right- we ARE doing well and that’s where the difficulty comes in. We’re eating adequate amounts now unlike before, but we are still plagued by the rules, rigidity and occasional anxiety.

      And OMG!!! I totally understand how you feel about your friend just indulging on a whim! That’s exactly like my sister and friends. I just watch them in amazement. And you know what? NONE of them have weight problems at all- that’s the craziest part! It can be really upsetting- and you hit the nail on the head when you said “Will I EVER be able to do that?” So true. It’s an awful thought that I couldn’t just eat pancakes with my kids on a Saturday morning or spontaneously go out for ice cream with friends. I have to plan, plan, plan and always have a REASON for the indulgence. And even when I plan, I can decide that I don’t really “feel” like it etc.

      I am SO proud of your victory! NO victories are small when it comes to EDs. ALL of them feel monumental to me and make me feel that much stronger. I find they leave my ED voice that much more defeated as well :) I had a bowl of quinoa tonight for dinner too!! Ch-yeahhhh, look at us ;)

      I LOVE LOVE LOVE your determination- it makes me even more determined! We WILL fight this and be able to just eat the damn cake and not think a second thought about it one day soon.

      And thanks for the fruit fear validation- a lot of non-ED people have a really hard time understanding that one. You’re always met with, “But, it’s SO healthy.”

      You rock, lady! Keep up the good work <3

      • Chelsie @ Balance, Not Scale September 14, 2012 at 1:09 am #

        The crazy thing is that my friend is actually in the process of LOSING weight and she STILL had cake on a whim!! What the heck?!

        And I was sitting there thinking “Why can’t I have cake without gaining weight?”. BUT I CAN!! The science in our bodies is no different than that of anyone else’s. And even IF I did gain weight SO WHAT?!

        And it shouldn’t be my greatest dream to be able to enjoy my wedding cake, or my children’s birthday cake, or a spontaneous ice cream for breakfast in bed should any of these ever happen in the future. (Okay, tears now flowing …) But that seriously is the thing I wish for most in the world. To be uninhibited and able to enjoy the real moments. And I’m petrified that my ED will hold me back from meeting someone, from falling in love, from having kids (and right now, these are legitimate fears and true biological possibilities). My greatest fear in the world is that one day I will have a daughter who will adopt ED behaviours because she saw them from me. I can’t have that. I can’t. I would rather not have children.

        HOWEVER.

        We are aware of these thoughts. We are aware that we want change. We are strong. We are 100% capable of making the change. We have to believe that our minds will catch up with our actions. We need to practice. This doesn’t come naturally, but nothing truly great happened without a little work.

        Quinoa = total victory. Fruit = total victory. Beets + corn + sweet potato + beans = total victory. We’re trying to fault ourselves for not being able to leap Everest in a single bound. It’s going to be a long climb. There will be times when we really won’t believe that we’ll ever make it. There will be times when we think we’ve reached the summit, only to find that we’ve only hit Base Camp #2. But we will get there.

        Be strong. Try to smother the thoughts and dismiss the excuses. Thank you for your infinite inspiration. Even more, thank you for being by my side. Here’s to making the unhealthy choice sometimes. Keep being your rocking and fabulously awesome self!! xo

      • thehomeostaticmindset September 14, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

        Haha, I totally understand! And I love how you said “What if I did gain weight!?” Exactly. It’s honestly so silly when I think about it really rationally.

        And oh boy, you definitely hit a nerve with me with all of your concerns…finding someone, being able to emotionally connect and not put up so many walls, being physically capable of having kids (again, legitimate), passing on ED behaviours to my daughter…yikesss. I think (worry*) about these things ALL. THE. TIME.

        LOVE LOVE LOVE your Mount Everest analogy!!! You’re SO right! And it’s SUCH an awesome way to look at it!

        Thanks for your continued, unwavering support :) xo

  2. glidingcalm September 20, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    Hi girl!

    I think you are doing such a good job! Change doesn’t come over night, you know? And I think the most important thing is that you are checking in with yourself and really trying to constantly work on recovery. That is so admirable.

    Just keep pushing yourself… and it will get easier and easier!

    Oh, and thanks for the sweet comment on my post where I attended the wedding!!

    happy Thursday!! (almost the weekend!)

    best,
    gc

    • thehomeostaticmindset September 20, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

      Aww, thank you so much for the sweet words of encouragement! It’s so crazy to me that you’re commenting on MY blog when I’ve been reading YOUR blog for a few years now! You feel like a celebrity lol Thanks for your support <3

      • glidingcalm September 24, 2012 at 3:10 am #

        lol no worries! we all can learn so much from each other!! as for blogging, I consider myself an old timer, not a celebrity! the blogs that were around when I started are all pretty fancy now- with their authors publishing books or articles in magazines, having moved to fancy “.com” self-host sites, with twitter accounts and thousands of followers………and my blog is pretty much the same, disorganized mess! but thank you for reading!! :P

  3. frhuman September 20, 2012 at 2:25 pm #

    I think you are on the right track, and, good for you, for being so honest about this! It is very easy to let the ED control you in the most sneaky way. It can take control before you even realize that it’s doing it. Reading this post and what Chelsie has been saying for the last few days have really struck a chord with me. Thank you both for being so inspiring! I’ve certainly not faced as hard a struggle as the two of you have, but I really feel like I have my own little case of ED and it is a struggle everyday to learn how to be happy in your own skin. Keep it up and remember we’re all here for you!

    • thehomeostaticmindset September 20, 2012 at 2:38 pm #

      Thank you so much for your inspiring words! Eating disorders can be very sneaky and I’m glad my posts (and Chelsie’s!!) have been able to help you with your own struggles with disordered eating. I think so many women struggle with this and although there is a spectrum of severity, everyone’s battle and is tough, but completely worth the fight! Keep on pushing forward…Confidence takes time to build up, especially when we have broken it down over the years <3

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Victory? (And the post that nearly wasn’t) | Scale ≠ Balance - September 14, 2012

    [...] I was on my way home from the gym. Dinner nearly convinced me that I shouldn’t. Then I read Lauren’s post and was totally torn [...]

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