Archive | August, 2012

Changes and ‘real life’ worries

29 Aug

Sometimes I get really angry about the fact that I have an eating disorder. “Why must I have all these problemssss!?!?” I whine to myself.  And then I remember. BECAUSE YOU CREATED THEM. Oh ya. You don’t need to have an eating disorder- it is your choice to overcome it and get better. You create every single challenge you must then battle each and everyday. It doesn’t make much sense. Unless I really like to overcome and fix things time and time again.  Which I don’t. Not really. I mean not the same old mental record that I have to exhaustingly refute each and everyday. It’s old. I think it’s getting a little rusty in fact.  Maybe the record will break and stop playing soon? Hmm…how could I make this happen? I know!! I know!! Stop telling yourself the same old stupid crap everyday. #Mindblowing. But not really. Pretty basic, actually.  So that’s the goal. Out with the old, in with the new. Which brings me to the topic of today’s post… Continuing along your path to recovery while enduring the stress of big life changes or transitions.

At the end of the week, I will be moving back to University in order to complete the final semester of my undergrad (woo!).  However, this means I will be away from my family (my #1 support) and my home (comfort).  I will have to do things for myself and I *may* be alone a lot since the majority of my friends have already graduated (however, I may also make a ton of new friends!).  I don’t want to be alone and isolated the way I have been for many years now due to my disorder.  I want to walk to class everyday, eager to learn, and not feel anxious.  I want to be able to work-out and not feel anxious and have the ED thoughts be triggered back via exercise.  And of course, I want to continue on this path of recovery, challenging my food rules and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone.  Beyond this, I want to realize, and I mean truly realize, that I can do all these things ALL. BY. MYSELF. Yes, my family have supported me tremendously through my recovery journey (and will continue to), but they just won’t be at arms reach for a little while. They will however, be a phone call away, Skype/Facetime date away, or a drive away.  I. AM. STRONG.  I do not need anyone else to get me through tough times- the Universe knows I’ve been through numerous tough times by myself, and made it through just dandy.

Also, I am anticipating a lot of *stuff.* #Classic. Notice how I said I will be likely spending a lot of time alone? I have no freakin idea if this will even happen! I  have not met any of my housemates yet, with the exception of one. Who knows? A new BFF could be living with me and I don’t even know it yet!  Also, I am forgetting about a little thing called ‘choices.’ Being alone, being needlessly anxious, obsessing about food- all of these things are choices, re-enforced by my behaviours.  Maybe I can make a ground-breaking, cognitive choice to not be the girl with an eating disorder, or the one with anxiety and the one who goes bed every night by 11pm.  Maybe I can loosen up a little, create a new Lauren- create the women I wish to be.  Because she is waiting. Patiently waiting for me to snap out of this nonsense and realize, “You have one life. THIS. IS. IT.” Do I want to waste my time obsessing about the size of my thighs, how many grams of carbs I consumed or how I haven’t worked out in 2 days. NO. I want to worry about what I’m going to wear when I go out with friends, what I’m going to do when that cute guy *wink* looks my way, or how I want to excel in my courses in order to be accepted into medical school. REAL LIFE problems, concerns, excitements. None of this crazy, messed up stuff. I don’t have time for that. And neither do you. So that will be my new motto for the term- Worry about ‘real life’ stuff, forget about all of the other stuff. Cause the other stuff isn’t important. The fact that I ate a rice cake with peanut butter, even though I have already had grains today IS NOT IMPORTANT. Seriously, these are the things I worry and obsess about. It’s honestly embarrassing. So from now on, real life concerns only. I’m putting my foot down. And I hope you will too.

Much love and health,

Lauren xo


How to have an ENTIRELY ‘good’ day

18 Aug

Alrighty internet people…after I wrote my last post I was feeling good. I had quinoa with peanut butter and pumpkin seeds for lunch (don’t ask), meaning that I did not have a salad. Ch-yeahhh. But then dinner time rolls around. And I get anxious. Now, I must have a salad for dinner. Why, you ask? Because I cannot possibly have three hearty, grain/carb-filled meals per day. Duh. So what do I do? Well, I steam some broccoli, chop some veggies and lettuce and have a small salad. I then have a rice cake with hummus and goat’s cheese for something more substantial. Now, before you get all, “OMG, you’re relapsing, that’s not enough for dinnerrrr!!” calm yourself. I am well aware of the fact that what I just mentioned is basically a snack and clearly not a healthy dinner. I AM still battling this flu though, so my appetite is still lower than usual, although better today than it has been the past few days. Moving on. Ok, so I have my ‘snack/dinner’ and then go back to lap-toping (real word). I feel the familiar hunger tickle, but I also feel thirsty so I have some water. And you and I both know that I am simply chugging water in order to dull the hunger. But I drink the water, and the hunger remains. WTF am I suppose to eat? I had toast for breakfast and quinoa for lunch. I’m “not allowed” to have any more grains. And I kind of feel like an apple, but I shouldn’t have all the sugar, carbs, blah blah blah. Plus, I NEED lots of protein to support my immune system when I am sick (another ED rationalization). So what is my genius idea? Let’s make some sort of f%$king protein paste with protein powder, almond milk, greek yogurt and almond butter- that has a TON of protein, will silence the hunger and has only a small amount of carbs. Genius.

So, I just ate my stupid protein paste. And I feel mad. Why didn’t I just have what I wanted? I was having such a ‘good day,’ fighting the ED thoughts and then I just have to go and do this. I guess I’m probably being too hard on myself. I should instead look at the fact that I had toast for breakfast (yay!), make that 2 pieces (double yay!), and quinoa (aka, grains, err, pseudograins…whatever #longhairdontcare) for lunch. BOOM. But instead, I focus on this moment. This is the part of recovery that is hard. Having a ENTIRELY ‘good’ day. Often times when we fight ED earlier in the day, we modify our behaviour later on in that same day to compensate. The ED is still winning when we do this. It still has control. I don’t want it to have control and tell me I cannot eat what I crave. Was I craving f&%king protein paste? NO. My new goal: Go an ENTIRE day, fighting ED, and not modifying my behaviour as the day goes on. Go with what my body wants. Geez, I need to listen to my own advice. Body, FTW!!! Let’s all repeat this so that it gets drilled into my brain. Okeebye.

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

When ED tries to take advantage of illness

18 Aug

Guys, I’m sick. Like, “I can’t go to work” sick. I have the flu- and I mean true influenza. Fever of 102*, chills, aches, sore throat, GI upset, cough, the whole deal. I haven’t been this sick since January 2011- which is pretty awesome, may I add. But now that I am sick, I have realized some more “stuff” regarding my ED. Joy. Two primary things stick out to me:

1) ED tries to take advantage of the sick card and brainwashes you into thinking, “Oh, you’re sick, so you can’t/shouldn’t eat. Muahahaha, now we can lose weight” >:)

2) You must stick with your “allowed foods,” aka, vegetables, salads, salmon etc, even though all you feel like is toast, freezies and ‘Pop chips.’

Ok, so now to address #1. I feel like this is a pretty common phenomenon. ED utilizes the illness in the same way it can utilize any number of things, and tries to provide you with a concrete reason as to why you should not eat. It thinks it’s being rational. It’s trying to trick you. Andyaknowwhat? The messed up part of my mind feels like when you are sick, you should always lose weight, otherwise, you weren’t really that sick. “People aren’t going to believe that you were really sick if you don’t lose some weight.” Ridiculous, I know. But, then I realized- why did it always take me SO FREAKIN LONG in the past to recover from an illness? BECAUSE I WOULD STOP EATING “SINCE I WAS SICK.” Where is the logic there!? Your body’s protein needs increase incredibly when you are sick- you need food so that your body can fight the pathogen. I also want to note that I understand that when you’re sick, you often don’t feel like eating. My appetite definitely diminished significantly during this time, and due to this, I ate less during this ‘sick period’ than normal…But, that’s NORMAL. What’s not “normal” is to sit there hungry when you are sick, wanting to eat, but then denying yourself because, “You shouldn’t eat when you are sick.” Doesn’t make any sense. And so, to sum up this rambling- when you are sick, yet still hungry, EAT. I know, I’m a genius.

Now to get on to #2. Seeing as I am still in recovery and not yet recovered, I still have many food rules. Two meals a day must be vegetable heavy, I MUST eat a salad for lunch, I can ONLY drink water, I can only eat 1 serving of grains/per day, I cannot eat a lot of carbs and…I’ll spare you. There are many more. Like I said, I am in recovery and this blog is meant to help me in this process… Moving on. I found that when you are sick, sometimes a salad sounds like the worst thing in the world. Sometimes a breakfast bowl of protein powder, ground flaxseed and puffed amaranth sounds about as appealing as a shoe. So, what was I going to do? Option 1: Continue eating “allowed foods,” possibly gagging while consuming and feeling nauseous during and afterwards. Option 2: Eat what I felt like (toast etc), and stop being a dumba$$. Whadaya think I chose? To be honest, for the first few days it was kind of a hybrid between 1 and 2. But now? Umm, ya. Full out 2. And you know what? Yesterday I ‘felt like’ a salad, and I ate a salad! Last night I ‘felt like’ a sweet potato with greek yogurt, so that is what I ate! I didn’t force it, dropped down all my rules and just went with it. And when my body was ready, it asked for the good stuff. Trust your body, people. ALWAYS trust your body. It’s one of the primary things I’m learning in this little recovery process. Your mind? Oh, your mind is probably f%&ked up and steering you all kinds of wrong ways. But your body? Your body possesses wisdom. Your body craves salad, give it salad. Your body craves crackers, give it crackers. Stop allowing your mind and food rules to negotiate with your body. The mind’s got nothin’ on the body. Body, FTW!

So, in closing, please just take care of yourself when you are sick, and give up all the eating disorder, rigid food rules BS. Just eat the damn freezie. You’ll feel better for it. I promise 🙂

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

Bloated vs. Full

13 Aug

I think it’s pretty common for most people with eating disorders to fear the feeling of fullness. We don’t like to feel food in our stomach, we don’t like feeling full, and abdominal distension or bloating? Yikes. The world might as well be ending. All of these feelings to those with eating disorders= “I’ve eaten too much.” Yasure. However, I have come to learn in recovery what most people learn as children. There is a difference between being full and being bloated. Yadontsay? You can be bloated when you have eaten nothing for hours and you can feel ‘full’ after eating only a small amount of food. Ground-breaking, I know. But for me, this seriously was ground-breaking.  When I was chronically under-eating, I was always very bloated- in my mind, ‘full.’ Yet, I felt sick all the time and would describe to other’s this, “weird, gnawing feeling in my stomach.” But it wasn’t hunger, oh no. Are you freakin kidding me!? I now realize that yes, yes, I was starvingggg.

Now that I am in recovery, I realize that many times I feel bloated, yet not full. A lot of the times, I actually am bloated AND hungry at the same time. This revelation may sound crazy to some of you…But it took me a longgg time to put all this together. Don’t judge. It’s a learning process.  So now when I feel bloated, yet hungry, I eat. Crazy, right? Eat when you’re hungry? Who does that!? Especially when your digestive system seems to be kind of off? I mean, eating will just make it worse, right? Wrong. Surprisingly, eating when I am bloated and hungry usually diminishes the bloating significantly. Again, crazy. If you would have told me this a year ago, I would have looked at you like you had two heads.

So, stop for a second next time to determine whether you are ‘full’ or ‘bloated.’ Did you just eat a big meal? Ok, you’re probably full, and that’s great! Your cells are getting lots nourishment 🙂 Conversely, have you not eaten for a while, or only eaten a little that day, yet feel bloated/’full?’ You’re not full- far from it. You are bloated. You are full of, I’m sorry- err, gaseous matter? Ok, we’re all adults here- gas, if you will. Plain and simple. And if you find yourself hungry AND bloated at the same time? Do yourself a favour and eat something! Your bloating will diminish, the stomach-gnawing-hunger will disappear and you will feel awesome. That’s what food does for you. Only good things. Food is a constant positive in your life. That’s how I like to think of it, anyways.

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

Supa Healthy Banana Muffins

11 Aug

Hi friends!

Ok, this blog post is going to be much lighter than the previous few, and that’s because it involves…baking!!! I used to bake ALL the time before my ED really took hold, and so I haven’t really baked in many years. Baking to me= recovery (whether or not I consume what I bake). Being in the kitchen creating something is so fun!

I had some veryyy ripe bananas staring me in the face for a few days, so I figured I better whip something up! 🙂

Here is what I made this morning…I got up and baked them even before I had breakfast! 🙂


Dry Ingredients-

  • 1 cup coconut flour
  • 1/2 oat bran
  • 1/4 rolled oats (I used gluten-free rolled oats)
  • 1/2 finely ground flaxseed
  • 1 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1/4 teaspoon sea salt

Wet Ingredients-

  • 2 supa ripe bananas mashed
  • 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
  • 2 tablespoons smooth almond butter
  • 1 tablespoon virgin coconut oil
  • ~1/4 unsweetened original almond milk
  1. Pre-heat oven to 350
  2. Combine dry ingredients
  3. Combine wet ingredients (except almond milk)
  4. Add wet ingredients to dry
  5. Mix gently. Mixture will be dry.
  6. Now add almond milk to combine fully
  7. Grease (12) muffin tin with coconut oil or line with wrappers and scoop in mixture.
  8. Batter will be very doughy and play-dough like- no worries, that’s how it’s supposed to be!
  9. Bake for 20-25 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean.

Spread with coconut oil, sprinkle with cinnamon and enjoy! 🙂

Let me know how they turn out if anyone tries them!!

Have a great (rainy for me!) weekend! 🙂

Much love and health,

Lauren xo

Why a little falling off the wagon can be a good thing

11 Aug

Hello there!

So, I wrote in my last post how I was having a difficult time dealing with post-recovery weight gain. With gain, many of the old ED feelings come back and the desire, yes desire, to relapse is a new feeling which arose for me. In my last post I discussed accountability and how I was going to use this blog to speak the truth about my recovery challenges.

Well friends, I hit a little bump in the road this past weekend. The negative feelings about my body, and my self as a whole in turn, were growing. I was feeling the ED voice become louder and louder. Finally, after believing that I just needed to lose a little weight (maybe 10 pounds) in order to not fully relapse, I began restricting again. Sunday= restricted, Monday= restricted. I didn’t even want to fight the ED thoughts. I just let them envelop me like the twisted, comfort they are. I felt the darkness creep up inside me once again. I had all the same physical feelings I had felt for so many years return by Monday night. The nausea, fatigue, shakiness/low blood sugar…just basically feeling like crapppp- like I did for so many years. Tuesday morning I woke up and felt. like. death. Why the f%ck are you doing this again?? Do you WANT to feel like this everyday, ALL over again for 10 pounds?? 10 pounds?? Why don’t you just try to become comfortable with your new, healthier body instead of allowing the ED to ‘trick you’ into believing that you need to be thinner, or just a ‘little thinner’ in order to prevent a relapse.

During this time, I was talking a lot with my sister. She was the primary person during these two days who kicked my a$$. She said to me, “The fact that you are still gaining weight in recovery from eating salad, quinoa, salmon etc (all super healthy foods, and still fairly small portions), proves how sick you were and how desperately your body needed to gain weight.” WOW. That sentence stopped me in my tracks. Dayum…she is dead on. She also said, “Stop saying that you gained 20 pounds- you were at negative 20 before and you are now back at zero.” Again, geeez. Genuis, isn’t she? Little ED therapist right there!!

So, in conclusion, mini-relapses (if that’s what we want to call this) are not necessarily a bad thing. Before this, I was always terrified to relapse. It’s talked about so much and  I was under the delusion that if I allowed myself one little slip-up that I would be stuck in a downward spiral. Not true at all. I actually feel stronger than ever, so thankful that I have a healthy body- FINALLY! I am obviously not promoting relapsing, but for me, it reminded me of how awful life used to be. Now that I am nourished everyday, the contrast I felt when I was restricting was very noticeable. In the past, going day in and out for years undereating, you forget what it feels like to feel good. The sick/weak feeling becomes your norm. But not for me, and never again. Wow. That was really weird to say that. Never again. Of course, right now my ED voice is saying, “AHGAGYF^%$&VJHTYRT&, NOOOOO!!!!” Just throwing a little tantrum like she always does when I get my power back. But you know what I say to her? Shut it. 😉

Much love and health,

Lauren xo