So, I wrote in my last post how I was having a difficult time dealing with post-recovery weight gain. With gain, many of the old ED feelings come back and the desire, yes desire, to relapse is a new feeling which arose for me. In my last post I discussed accountability and how I was going to use this blog to speak the truth about my recovery challenges.
Well friends, I hit a little bump in the road this past weekend. The negative feelings about my body, and my self as a whole in turn, were growing. I was feeling the ED voice become louder and louder. Finally, after believing that I just needed to lose a little weight (maybe 10 pounds) in order to not fully relapse, I began restricting again. Sunday= restricted, Monday= restricted. I didn’t even want to fight the ED thoughts. I just let them envelop me like the twisted, comfort they are. I felt the darkness creep up inside me once again. I had all the same physical feelings I had felt for so many years return by Monday night. The nausea, fatigue, shakiness/low blood sugar…just basically feeling like crapppp- like I did for so many years. Tuesday morning I woke up and felt. like. death. Why the f%ck are you doing this again?? Do you WANT to feel like this everyday, ALL over again for 10 pounds?? 10 pounds?? Why don’t you just try to become comfortable with your new, healthier body instead of allowing the ED to ‘trick you’ into believing that you need to be thinner, or just a ‘little thinner’ in order to prevent a relapse.
During this time, I was talking a lot with my sister. She was the primary person during these two days who kicked my a$$. She said to me, “The fact that you are still gaining weight in recovery from eating salad, quinoa, salmon etc (all super healthy foods, and still fairly small portions), proves how sick you were and how desperately your body needed to gain weight.” WOW. That sentence stopped me in my tracks. Dayum…she is dead on. She also said, “Stop saying that you gained 20 pounds- you were at negative 20 before and you are now back at zero.” Again, geeez. Genuis, isn’t she? Little ED therapist right there!!
So, in conclusion, mini-relapses (if that’s what we want to call this) are not necessarily a bad thing. Before this, I was always terrified to relapse. It’s talked about so much and I was under the delusion that if I allowed myself one little slip-up that I would be stuck in a downward spiral. Not true at all. I actually feel stronger than ever, so thankful that I have a healthy body- FINALLY! I am obviously not promoting relapsing, but for me, it reminded me of how awful life used to be. Now that I am nourished everyday, the contrast I felt when I was restricting was very noticeable. In the past, going day in and out for years undereating, you forget what it feels like to feel good. The sick/weak feeling becomes your norm. But not for me, and never again. Wow. That was really weird to say that. Never again. Of course, right now my ED voice is saying, “AHGAGYF^%$&VJHTYRT&, NOOOOO!!!!” Just throwing a little tantrum like she always does when I get my power back. But you know what I say to her? Shut it. 😉
Much love and health,