Alrighty internet people…after I wrote my last post I was feeling good. I had quinoa with peanut butter and pumpkin seeds for lunch (don’t ask), meaning that I did not have a salad. Ch-yeahhh. But then dinner time rolls around. And I get anxious. Now, I must have a salad for dinner. Why, you ask? Because I cannot possibly have three hearty, grain/carb-filled meals per day. Duh. So what do I do? Well, I steam some broccoli, chop some veggies and lettuce and have a small salad. I then have a rice cake with hummus and goat’s cheese for something more substantial. Now, before you get all, “OMG, you’re relapsing, that’s not enough for dinnerrrr!!” calm yourself. I am well aware of the fact that what I just mentioned is basically a snack and clearly not a healthy dinner. I AM still battling this flu though, so my appetite is still lower than usual, although better today than it has been the past few days. Moving on. Ok, so I have my ‘snack/dinner’ and then go back to lap-toping (real word). I feel the familiar hunger tickle, but I also feel thirsty so I have some water. And you and I both know that I am simply chugging water in order to dull the hunger. But I drink the water, and the hunger remains. WTF am I suppose to eat? I had toast for breakfast and quinoa for lunch. I’m “not allowed” to have any more grains. And I kind of feel like an apple, but I shouldn’t have all the sugar, carbs, blah blah blah. Plus, I NEED lots of protein to support my immune system when I am sick (another ED rationalization). So what is my genius idea? Let’s make some sort of f%$king protein paste with protein powder, almond milk, greek yogurt and almond butter- that has a TON of protein, will silence the hunger and has only a small amount of carbs. Genius.
So, I just ate my stupid protein paste. And I feel mad. Why didn’t I just have what I wanted? I was having such a ‘good day,’ fighting the ED thoughts and then I just have to go and do this. I guess I’m probably being too hard on myself. I should instead look at the fact that I had toast for breakfast (yay!), make that 2 pieces (double yay!), and quinoa (aka, grains, err, pseudograins…whatever #longhairdontcare) for lunch. BOOM. But instead, I focus on this moment. This is the part of recovery that is hard. Having a ENTIRELY ‘good’ day. Often times when we fight ED earlier in the day, we modify our behaviour later on in that same day to compensate. The ED is still winning when we do this. It still has control. I don’t want it to have control and tell me I cannot eat what I crave. Was I craving f&%king protein paste? NO. My new goal: Go an ENTIRE day, fighting ED, and not modifying my behaviour as the day goes on. Go with what my body wants. Geez, I need to listen to my own advice. Body, FTW!!! Let’s all repeat this so that it gets drilled into my brain. Okeebye.
Much love and health,