Sometimes I get really angry about the fact that I have an eating disorder. “Why must I have all these problemssss!?!?” I whine to myself. And then I remember. BECAUSE YOU CREATED THEM. Oh ya. You don’t need to have an eating disorder- it is your choice to overcome it and get better. You create every single challenge you must then battle each and everyday. It doesn’t make much sense. Unless I really like to overcome and fix things time and time again. Which I don’t. Not really. I mean not the same old mental record that I have to exhaustingly refute each and everyday. It’s old. I think it’s getting a little rusty in fact. Maybe the record will break and stop playing soon? Hmm…how could I make this happen? I know!! I know!! Stop telling yourself the same old stupid crap everyday. #Mindblowing. But not really. Pretty basic, actually. So that’s the goal. Out with the old, in with the new. Which brings me to the topic of today’s post… Continuing along your path to recovery while enduring the stress of big life changes or transitions.
At the end of the week, I will be moving back to University in order to complete the final semester of my undergrad (woo!). However, this means I will be away from my family (my #1 support) and my home (comfort). I will have to do things for myself and I *may* be alone a lot since the majority of my friends have already graduated (however, I may also make a ton of new friends!). I don’t want to be alone and isolated the way I have been for many years now due to my disorder. I want to walk to class everyday, eager to learn, and not feel anxious. I want to be able to work-out and not feel anxious and have the ED thoughts be triggered back via exercise. And of course, I want to continue on this path of recovery, challenging my food rules and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. Beyond this, I want to realize, and I mean truly realize, that I can do all these things ALL. BY. MYSELF. Yes, my family have supported me tremendously through my recovery journey (and will continue to), but they just won’t be at arms reach for a little while. They will however, be a phone call away, Skype/Facetime date away, or a drive away. I. AM. STRONG. I do not need anyone else to get me through tough times- the Universe knows I’ve been through numerous tough times by myself, and made it through just dandy.
Also, I am anticipating a lot of *stuff.* #Classic. Notice how I said I will be likely spending a lot of time alone? I have no freakin idea if this will even happen! I have not met any of my housemates yet, with the exception of one. Who knows? A new BFF could be living with me and I don’t even know it yet! Also, I am forgetting about a little thing called ‘choices.’ Being alone, being needlessly anxious, obsessing about food- all of these things are choices, re-enforced by my behaviours. Maybe I can make a ground-breaking, cognitive choice to not be the girl with an eating disorder, or the one with anxiety and the one who goes bed every night by 11pm. Maybe I can loosen up a little, create a new Lauren- create the women I wish to be. Because she is waiting. Patiently waiting for me to snap out of this nonsense and realize, “You have one life. THIS. IS. IT.” Do I want to waste my time obsessing about the size of my thighs, how many grams of carbs I consumed or how I haven’t worked out in 2 days. NO. I want to worry about what I’m going to wear when I go out with friends, what I’m going to do when that cute guy *wink* looks my way, or how I want to excel in my courses in order to be accepted into medical school. REAL LIFE problems, concerns, excitements. None of this crazy, messed up stuff. I don’t have time for that. And neither do you. So that will be my new motto for the term- Worry about ‘real life’ stuff, forget about all of the other stuff. Cause the other stuff isn’t important. The fact that I ate a rice cake with peanut butter, even though I have already had grains today IS NOT IMPORTANT. Seriously, these are the things I worry and obsess about. It’s honestly embarrassing. So from now on, real life concerns only. I’m putting my foot down. And I hope you will too.
Much love and health,