Yikes! I have not blogged since…September 13…and that just makes me sad! I find blogging to be so cathartic and was just getting into my blogging groove, if you will, and then BAM, school started. I want to make a blogging a priority (not above school, of course, but one nonetheless) and try to post a few times a week. Sound good? Good. 🙂
So, I’m not sure if any of you have checked out my ‘Food Bucket List’ yet. It’s at the top of the page right by my ‘About’ and ‘Why the Homeostatic Mindset’ tabs. This Food Bucket List is something I created, yet, never TRULY felt I could ever accomplish. It was kind of just a nice goal, but one which I thought was completely unrealistic. I honestly didn’t even want to try to attempt the things on the list…I thought just making the list was good enough. HA. Umm, in the words of Dwight Schrute, “False.”
Well, all of that has changed recently, thankyouverymuch. Through reading other blogs on eating disorder recovery, more specifically really, one blog, (Hi Chelsie!), I realized that although I have gained the necessary weight and I am eating, I am still extremely rigid and calculated when it comes to what I am ‘allowed’ to eat. I eat virtually the same, oh, 10 things every day. And that’s not eating for recovery. That’s eating for living-and-breathing purposes, but not eating for living life. And I want to live life. I want to go out with friends for ice cream, or randomly stop at Starbucks and get a Pumpkin Spice Latte. And so that’s exactly what I did.
I was downtown with my Momma driving around and we had a few hours to kill. I mentioned that maybe we should go get Pumpkin Spice Latte’s, seeing as they were on my bucket list. (I dedicate this challenge to you, Heather!). Once my Mom heard ‘bucket list,’ she was on the hunt for a Starbuck’s, not to mention curious to try one of these famous latte’s for herself 😉 So we found a Starbuck’s and we both ordered a grande Pumpkin spice latte made with skim milk (I have not had cow’s milk in 12 years!) and 1 1/2 pumps of pumpkin spice syrup (other bloggers had recommended this for a better flavour/sweetness). I went and sat down and my Mom waited for our drinks. She came over carrying 2 massive white mugs filled with milky froth, sprinkled with cinnamon. (She asked them to put our drinks into mugs because she wanted it to be special and she said it would taste better in a mug <3). And so, feeling a trivial amount of fear (if any!) I took my first sip, and OHMYGOD. It was heavennnn. Let’s just say that I drank the whole thing down in 2 minutes flat with a ridiculous grin on my face, giggling the whole time. I made sure to get every.last.drop of the frothy goodness. 🙂 Afterwards, I leaned back in my chair and felt absolutely, completely calm and relaxed. I felt like I could drift off to sleep- and I had just had a good amount of caffeine! I looked at my Mom and said, “I feel so relaxed right now.” (Which I found shocking, by the way- not expected after a food/drink challenge). She just looked and me, smiled and said, “That’s what happens when you live your life.”
For some of you reading this, this may sound ridiculous (“I have latte’s everyday, NBD”), but to me, and those of you out there in recovery, this was HUGE. Not only did I cross something off my bucket list, but I crossed it off with a, shall we say, calm enthusiasm. Not an easy feat, my friends. I now feel motivated to cross all of the other stuff off my list!!! I already told me Mom that she “must” make an apple crisp next weekend when I go home for Thanksgiving. She obliged 😉 I also bought some gluten-free whole grain bagels, so the bagel challenge will be coming up soon. I tried to buy some cream cheese today, but they only had the big containers…and I don’t think I’ll need that much. 😛
I guess what I am trying to say is that every time you challenge your eating disorder, you win just a little bit more. Will the little ED in your head try to throw a little tantrum after it? Possibly. Mine did a few hours after my latte, but that just means that you fight harder and put it back in its place. And you focus on the GOOD. I could focus on the anxiety I created (that’s right, it did not spontaneously occur- I manifested it) hours after the latte that I had while eating dinner, but that doesn’t do anyone much good. I choose to focus on the latte experience because that FAR surpasses the dumb, anxious moment. Let’s direct our attention towards the good, not the bad. Build up Lauren and break down the eating disorder. It just gets in the way of living. And I have an amazing life to live.
Question: Have you challenged yourself recently, food or otherwise? How did you feel during/after it?
Much love and health,