How long?

2 Oct

In recovery, there are bound to be slip-ups. In my case, having struggled with anorexia and exercise obsession, these slip-ups lead to under-eating/restricting and/or over-exercising. After either of these ‘slip-ups’ occur, I am usually upset and angry with myself, but I always think, “I will do better tomorrow.” Well, darling, tomorrow is here and we’re still making the same ‘mistakes.’ And realistically, can we really be calling them mistakes anymore? They are now choices. They are giving in to that voice in your head that tells you that you don’t deserve food or that you are being lazy and need to exercise more or, fill in the blank in terms of your own personal struggles.

When do we decide that WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH, and simply want to get off the train of self-destruction? When do we realize that these ‘mistakes’ are just ways of holding on to your disorder, and ways for your disorder to hold on to you. How many times can we say, “Whoopsies, I messed up. Tomorrow I will do x, y, and z.” Or, “Maybe if I get really mad at myself and depressed, that will inspire me not to mess up again.” How’s that been workin’ for ya?

Now, you may be wondering, well, what the f&%k am I supposed to do then?

Stop BEHAVING the way your thoughts trigger you to in the first place. This has nothing to do with being ‘perfect.’ If someone everyday was convincing you to do something that didn’t feel like it was for your highest and best, and everyday you continued to listen to them and modify your actions to please them, would that person still be in your life? NO! But everyday, you listen to the ED voice telling you stupid stuff and even more than that, you BEHAVE THE WAY IT WANTS YOU TO! And then everyday, you go, “Whoopsie, I made a ‘mistake.’ Tomorrow will be better.” <–Keeptellinyourselfthat. You need to 100% commit Β to recovery. You either want to recover or you don’t. Will there be slip-ups? Of course! Will they be often, and the SAME slip-up each time? NO. If everyday you are making the same mistakes, and then saying ‘Tomorrow will be better,’ is that truly recovery? Stop fooling yourself and jump head first into recovery.

I am writing this post, as this is exactly how I feel right now. I am currently sick with a cold (boooo, wasn’t I just sick in August!?). Anyways, I am feeling like *bleep.* This morning was rough for some reason. ED was talkin’ LOUD. At first it had the brilliant idea that I needed to do weights at 7:30am this morning, which I immediatey shut down. THEN, it decided that I didn’t need breakfast this morning. WTF IS THAT!? Idontthinksosista. You can bet your booty that I did indeed have breakfast, fighting ED the whole time. So, triumph indeed. Seriously though, ED was supa loud…I don’t understand. Anyways, I went to class and then came back home. Immediately upon walking in the door, I picked up my weights and began doing a full weights work-out with circuit training- jump squats, you name it, with what I’m pretty sure was a fever. You can see where this is going. My body could not handle this (way to state the obvious) and I had to lie down on my bed for 10 minutes after the work-out (which was incomplete, may I add) feeling so awful and weak. And the whole time I was thinking, “WTF!? WHYWHYWHY, did I do this??! YouΒ ALWAYS do this!” And then it hit me. The problem. The same problem that SO many people go through during recovery. They’re in this half-hearted version of recovery, “trying” to get better, but really just staying BFF’s with their disorder.

Also, WTF is trying? My Mom has such a good example for this. She puts a pen on the table in front of me and says, “Try to pick up the pen.” So I pick it up. And she says, “Uh oh, no, I’m sorry, you just picked up the pen. I said TRY to pick it up.” I look at her and start to laugh. “Trying” is inactive, my friends. “I’ll try to make it to your party.” “I’ll try to take the dog for a walk tonight.” Do any of these ‘trying’ activites typically come to fruition? No. Not for the most part.

So…We are all going to STOP behaving the way our crazy thoughts want us to. Behaviour is where it’s at- seriously. This is what I was trying to get at in my last post. Thoughts do not lead to success. Behaviour leads to success. If you want your life to be a certain way, don’t *think* about how you want it to be, shape your behaviour so that it manifests the life you want.

I know you can do it. Now stop sitting here and thinking about all the changes you want to make. GO. DO.

Much love and health,

Lauren xo


6 Responses to “How long?”

  1. Chelsie @ Balance, Not Scale October 2, 2012 at 9:22 pm #

    Seriously girl, sometimes I feel like you need to get the heck out of my brain!!
    This was me to a absolute T yesterday — I was working in the outpatient clinic which means that I spend about 80% more time on my butt through my eight hours than I normally do. The whole day my brain was buzzing, trying to figure out ways to cut caloric corners with my meals and snacks or to burn more (I stood on the landing of the second floor for a full minute before deciding NOT to walk up to the 9th floor just because). AND this was after I’d done a full workout in the morning … It’s frustrating as heck!! Thinking that you’re moving on so well and then being bombarded out of flipping NOWHERE with all of these thoughts. I’m sosososososo SO happy you were able to fight them and that you’re moving on to be strong another day. I just try to remember that the feelings will pass — they always do. And I just need to hold on until then. Sometimes, I tell myself that I can consider giving in to them in 10 min. And 10 min later, I think about it and say the same thing. And repeat it again. Eventually, I stop realizing when 10 min have passed and the thoughts are no longer on my brain. It’s all about making it through the moment.
    When the slip ups do happen — I never, ever wait until the next day to get back on track. That won’t happen, it’s too much pressure. And when you think about it, it’s kind of ridiculous — If I fell outside I wouldn’t just hang out on the ground until the next morning.Rise up, brush off, and get right back on the right track.
    I used to make promises to so many people about improving my behaviours — promises I was never planning on keeping. When I started acting against my ED, those words, those promises, were no longer necessary. If you’re acting, you don’t need to try.
    My fair lady — you should be REALLY REALLY proud of yourself. For your realizations, for your actions. I’m unbelievably proud to know you and call you a friend. πŸ™‚ Thanks for the post — it made my day.

    • thehomeostaticmindset October 3, 2012 at 12:44 am #

      SUCH good advice- the feelings DO always pass! I need to remember that πŸ™‚ I LOVELOVELOVE your 10 minute technique! I will definitely be using that one when necessary! And haha, you’re so right- if I fell down outside on the ground I would NOT lie there until morning! SUCH a brilliant analogy πŸ™‚ I always rectify the situation/slip-up as soon as I can too…we both know that once you hop on the ED train, it can feel darn near impossible to get off, so you must remedy the situation immediately if a slip-up does occur.

      It’s so crazy how I can go from feeling on top of the world, knocking stuff off my bucket list one day, to feeling like I am being pulled back down into the darkness another. The shift (both ways!) happens so quickly. Plus, I hate when I don’t know what’s triggering the thoughts/emotions. I know they don’t just pop up spontaneously, but it can be hard to always be cognizant of our thoughts.

      Thank you so much for your continued support, as always! ❀ So glad that you were able to fight the thoughts yesterday at work πŸ™‚ This whole journey is so much easier when you have a friend who can totally relate 100% πŸ™‚ xo

  2. Cori October 5, 2012 at 2:21 am #

    Wow, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I am so glad I found your blog, as I’m struggling to finally FORCE myself to do the things I need to do to recover. I can’t study for the MCAT or attempt to go to medical school if I’m too malnourished to think straight, or to concentrate on anything other than food and my rigid patterns. Thank you so much for this inspiring post.

    • thehomeostaticmindset October 5, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

      I’m so glad that my posts have helped you! You are so right- MCAT studying and med-school prep are impossible to accomplish to the best of your abilities without a healthy mind and body. I saw your other comments too, so expect an email from me in the next few days discussing my recovery, med-school prep and life in general! πŸ™‚ Take care ❀


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