In recovery, there are bound to be slip-ups. In my case, having struggled with anorexia and exercise obsession, these slip-ups lead to under-eating/restricting and/or over-exercising. After either of these ‘slip-ups’ occur, I am usually upset and angry with myself, but I always think, “I will do better tomorrow.” Well, darling, tomorrow is here and we’re still making the same ‘mistakes.’ And realistically, can we really be calling them mistakes anymore? They are now choices. They are giving in to that voice in your head that tells you that you don’t deserve food or that you are being lazy and need to exercise more or, fill in the blank in terms of your own personal struggles.
When do we decide that WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH, and simply want to get off the train of self-destruction? When do we realize that these ‘mistakes’ are just ways of holding on to your disorder, and ways for your disorder to hold on to you. How many times can we say, “Whoopsies, I messed up. Tomorrow I will do x, y, and z.” Or, “Maybe if I get really mad at myself and depressed, that will inspire me not to mess up again.” How’s that been workin’ for ya?
Now, you may be wondering, well, what the f&%k am I supposed to do then?
Stop BEHAVING the way your thoughts trigger you to in the first place. This has nothing to do with being ‘perfect.’ If someone everyday was convincing you to do something that didn’t feel like it was for your highest and best, and everyday you continued to listen to them and modify your actions to please them, would that person still be in your life? NO! But everyday, you listen to the ED voice telling you stupid stuff and even more than that, you BEHAVE THE WAY IT WANTS YOU TO! And then everyday, you go, “Whoopsie, I made a ‘mistake.’ Tomorrow will be better.” <–Keeptellinyourselfthat. You need to 100% commit to recovery. You either want to recover or you don’t. Will there be slip-ups? Of course! Will they be often, and the SAME slip-up each time? NO. If everyday you are making the same mistakes, and then saying ‘Tomorrow will be better,’ is that truly recovery? Stop fooling yourself and jump head first into recovery.
I am writing this post, as this is exactly how I feel right now. I am currently sick with a cold (boooo, wasn’t I just sick in August!?). Anyways, I am feeling like *bleep.* This morning was rough for some reason. ED was talkin’ LOUD. At first it had the brilliant idea that I needed to do weights at 7:30am this morning, which I immediatey shut down. THEN, it decided that I didn’t need breakfast this morning. WTF IS THAT!? Idontthinksosista. You can bet your booty that I did indeed have breakfast, fighting ED the whole time. So, triumph indeed. Seriously though, ED was supa loud…I don’t understand. Anyways, I went to class and then came back home. Immediately upon walking in the door, I picked up my weights and began doing a full weights work-out with circuit training- jump squats, you name it, with what I’m pretty sure was a fever. You can see where this is going. My body could not handle this (way to state the obvious) and I had to lie down on my bed for 10 minutes after the work-out (which was incomplete, may I add) feeling so awful and weak. And the whole time I was thinking, “WTF!? WHYWHYWHY, did I do this??! You ALWAYS do this!” And then it hit me. The problem. The same problem that SO many people go through during recovery. They’re in this half-hearted version of recovery, “trying” to get better, but really just staying BFF’s with their disorder.
Also, WTF is trying? My Mom has such a good example for this. She puts a pen on the table in front of me and says, “Try to pick up the pen.” So I pick it up. And she says, “Uh oh, no, I’m sorry, you just picked up the pen. I said TRY to pick it up.” I look at her and start to laugh. “Trying” is inactive, my friends. “I’ll try to make it to your party.” “I’ll try to take the dog for a walk tonight.” Do any of these ‘trying’ activites typically come to fruition? No. Not for the most part.
So…We are all going to STOP behaving the way our crazy thoughts want us to. Behaviour is where it’s at- seriously. This is what I was trying to get at in my last post. Thoughts do not lead to success. Behaviour leads to success. If you want your life to be a certain way, don’t *think* about how you want it to be, shape your behaviour so that it manifests the life you want.
I know you can do it. Now stop sitting here and thinking about all the changes you want to make. GO. DO.
Much love and health,